Putting it "Out There"

I have a huge fear of making my opinions and beliefs known. I hate getting people riled up, and I take it very personally if someone disagrees with me in an aggressive manner. I do not like it at all, and I generally end up crying over it. I think that what one person believes is right is not necessarily what is right for everyone, and I do not like it when people try to tell people what they should think, believe, and do. In a abstract example, my Dad loves visiting Spanish Missions, but all I can feel when I see, visit, or read about them, is depression, over all the people who died or were oppressed by these missionaries coming in trying to force their beliefs onto others. Not that I don't understand that the missionaries thought they were doing what was right, and I respect them for their bravery in entering a new world of dangers and obstacles. Anyway. When I was younger I was, as I self-diagnose myself in retrospect, a sufferer of social anxiety in the extreme. To the point where if I was walking down the street and a classmate I wasn't close friends with said hi I would pretend I hadn't heard them, cuz I was scared. Scared of what, I don't know. That I'd do something to embarrass myself. That they were only saying hi to make fun of me somehow....I don't know. I worried about the stupidest things, like if my butt looked big, or swayed funny when I was walking up the stairs in front of classmates. If I had to give a speech in front of a class I was shaking like a leaf the whole time. I still get this way in large crowds, and sometimes have to mentally pep-talk myself before I will say something to somebody, even if I know them well, and I often regret whatever it was I said anyway. I think and re-think almost everything that I do and say, constantly berate myself for stupid things that I have let myself do and say, and worry about things that I know I shouldn't. I never make my opinions known on "big" subjects, such as politics, etc, sometimes because it doesn't matter enough to me to put myself on the line for the scolding that many people feel the need to dish out, and sometimes because I am not confident enough in my knowledge of the subject but I don't care to do the necessary research to appear knowledgeable on the subject. The only reason I have blogged today about religion, abortion, etc, is because I am a bit tipsy, which makes me braver, and I will probably regret it in the morning, especially if anyone gives me negative feedback. I cannot stand to have people mad at me. I almost always will bow and grovel and apologize until they seem to no longer be angry. I just can't handle thinking that somebody out there is upset with me. Guess I'm just weak like that. So I usually keep to myself, just listen to other peoples' opinions and only offer up safe things to say, after thinking them over once or twice. So these blogs have actually been rather difficult for me to get up the gumption to post. One of my facebook friends thanked me for sharing my opinions and beliefs, even though she says she does not agree with everything I have said. This really means the world to me. I can't tell you how much. I feel validated and respected, and it is a great feeling. A great big thank you to Destiny Pittman. I know you probably didn't think you were doing a big thing, but what you said was really important to me.