Permanence

Most if not all of us are looking for a forever.  Something that we can count on, that will not change, something we can make that will leave a mark in the world.  Thing is, forever is a lie.  People change and die, reputations & legacies fade & are overwritten,  buildings crumble, natural disasters or wars wipe out the sturdiest of things in the blink of an eye, the entire earth could be destroyed, even stars die eventually.  If we're lucky, we find something that will last a lifetime, or maybe even a few.  Sometimes the things we expect to last do not, while something that was never imagined to be lasting will be dug up a thousand years later and displayed at some museum. 

Exploration of the Self

I think it is fundamentally important for people to explore themselves.  I believe it is a major factor in happiness.  The study of yourself is an endless process, and nobody else can do it even marginally as well as you. 

You need to check in with yourself multiple times every single day (especially true for women).  Ask yourself how you're feeling, why you're feeling it, how you feel about your feelings, what you're thinking, how do you feel about any new information or experiences that have entered your life, what do you need, what do you want, etc. It's a process of self acceptance. 

People say that your 20's are a time of self exploration.  But I think it should be a lifelong process.  Because you are always changing and having new experiences, right?  Even your basic body chemistry will be different when you are 50 than it is when you are 30, and that chemistry has a major impact on your thoughts, emotions, etc.  So you need to keep checking back in to see what's changed. 

I've found this to be my form of non-traditional meditation.  I can't clear my mind of everything; that's just not possible for me.  But if I endeavor to understand myself, be in tune with myself and my feelings, then I feel balanced and in charge of my life. You could say it's a sense of inner peace.  And if I have that, then I can open up to more new experiences, new ideas, new people, as well as giving to those around me in the arenas of friendship and support. 

Options

One of the things that makes me happiest in life is having options.  Making choices, and having a plethora of options to choose from.  Every time I finish a sock, I love going to my yarn stash and deciding which color to use next.  Every time I finish a bar of soap in the shower, I love going to my soap stash and deciding whether I want honeysuckle, or strawberry shortcake, or cracklin' birch, or whatever.  Sadly enough, the opportunity to make these little choices is often the highlight of my day.  (I know.)  It makes me feel like I have freedom and excitement.  (Yes.  I know.) And the more options I have when making my choice, the happier, freer, and more excited I will be.  Going to Perkins & ordering the Tremendous 12, & getting to decide from bite to bite what to eat next:  pancakes, eggs, potatoes, bacon? Or better yet, a buffet?  Yup, that, in a nutshell, is my heaven. 

The downside to this is that in order to have these choices, I have to have multiple options for everything on hand.  I have a library of books.  Cases of dvds.  Stacks of soap boxes, buckets of yarn, drawers of socks, bags of B&BW handsoaps & lotions, a large stash of candy, about 15 boxes of flavored teas, not to mention the coffees and hot cocoas and several bottles of various liquor on hand.  8 pack of Prismacolor colored pencils?  No, I want the 120 color tin at a cost of $80.  Gotta have my color options.  Believe me, the list goes on.

Point is, having all these things available on an everyday basis means that my house is jammed full of stuff.  Which makes me miserable, because it's always messy; I always feel overwhelmed by the clutter and trying to houseclean.  And the embarrassment if anybody ever wants to come in my house.  (Although I do enjoy when people say things like, "Wow, I wish I had this many books!"  If it was all neat and I had housekeepers or something, everything would be just fine!)  But anyway, if I strip it all down, get rid of things and only have one of every given thing at a time, I lose my options, my freedom, my happiness, and my security.  What if I need that whatever-it-is, and it's gone because I gave it away or threw it out?  What if I'm bored and really want to sew something, but I've emptied out my fabric stash and don't have any money to go buy new stuff for my project?  If I hadn't thrown it all out, I'd surely have had what I needed in there somewhere. 

And also, in my bizarre craziness, if a room is too empty, I start to get really uncomfortable.  Anxiety, panic, etc.  You know those houses you see in magazines with sleek, modern furniture and wide open expanses of floor, and not a pinch of clutter to be seen?  That would kill me.  I could not sit in those rooms for more than 5 minutes if my life depended on it.

Uuuhhh....The End.  *shrug*

Celebrity Crush Tag

So this is Fleur de Force's Celebrity Crush Tag from YouTube.  I don't do YouTube, but want to do the tag, so here it is.  :)

Who was your young celebrity crush?   John Stamos as Uncle Jesse on Full House.

Celebrity girl crush?: Zooey Deschanel

Celebrity crush over 40?: Harrison Ford

Boyband Crush?: I've got nothing here.  If I can expand to any male singer, ...I still don't have much.  Maybe Josh Turner?

Teenage jailbait crush?:  Zac Efron.  Hands down.  I think he may be legal now, but still, way too young for me!

So, that's all the questions she had.  I really feel like I need to throw Maxwell Caulfield from Grease 2 in here somewhere.  So there he is.  lol 

 I tag anybody else who wants to do this tag, & feel free to switch the guys to girls and girls to guys if you are male or lesbian or whatever.  :)

In Defense of Men

I think men get a bad rap sometimes.  When a man holds a door open for a woman, or wants to carry something for her, I don't think it means he thinks she can't do things for herself.  I think it means he's valuing her, or showing respect.  Being a nice guy.  I don't understand why some women take offense to this stuff. 

I also don't like when women say all men are cheaters, or I've heard some male comedians say that if a guy hasn't cheated, it's only cuz he hasn't had the opportunity presented to him.  Really?  If I didn't think more of men than that then I would never have married one.  And I know there are people out there who are gonna say I'm just naive.  I think that men mostly cheat because they haven't found the right girl yet and aren't 100% in love with the one they're with, or are in a marriage that has gone down hill really bad but they don't get divorced for whatever reason. Or maybe they have some personal issues they need to deal with before they can really be with somebody.   But I don't think all men are cheaters.

I think it must be tough to be a man.  They have to worry about offending women all the time, cuz something they meant to be nice will get twisted into something sexist in the hands of many feminists.  And they have to deal with the crazy moods that a lot of us have, but they're not allowed by our culture to have moods of their own.  They're supposed to be stoic and not show much emotion and be tough guys.  Gots to be macho.  Big boys don't cry.  Now I must admit that I've found the stereotype of men turning into babies when they're sick to be true.  But I think maybe they should be allowed to be babies then, cuz the rest of their lives they're not allowed. I'm not saying I want my guy to cry all the time, but I do think it's unfair and unhealthy that men are not allowed to deal with their emotions openly the way women are.  They have to go play sports or get drunk or something.  Or maybe that's the way it is because that's the way they want it to be.  I know getting my husband to handle something emotional to him is like pulling teeth.  *shrug*

Guys get judged and measured on some stupid things, too.  There's a big fuss about women being drug down by images of perfect supermodels on tv, but it's like that for men to some extent also.  6-pack abs.  Pecs & upper arms.  Fancy cars and money.  Dick size.  Isn't this the same kind of thing as women's bra sizes, waist measurements, etc? 

I guess what I'm saying is I think there's a lot of pressure on men, and we don't give them enough credit sometimes.  However, that's not to say that there aren't times when I get totally disgusted & annoyed with things that my husband does or doesn't do that are stereotypical of men.  Not gonna pretend I've never said, "Ugh!  MEN!!"  lol  That's a whole other blog, cuz trust me, I could go on. 

The road runs past my door, leaving me behind.

Chef Buck from YouTube is kinda makin' me feel antsy.  Like life is passing me by and I am not living it.  He's always doing something fun and thinking about fun things, and cooking unusual stuff.  I kind of feel in a rut.  Like, yeah, it's cool that I knit and make soap, but I spend a lot of time just sitting around, playing stupid pointless games online....why do we play these games?  Whether it's Farmville or Solitare or Zuma...it's pointless!  Do you have anything to show after you play? No!  Does it expand your mind or your world?  I think not.  Why do we do it?  It's not like I'm not interested in other things in the world, cuz I'm interested in billions of things, except sports, politics, and news.  I know, I know, everybody likes those things, but not me.  Sorry.  Anyway, I feel kinda like a hermit.  Jess & I are not really "going out" people.  We're homebodies.  We're not social.  What I really wish is that there was a bigger creative community around here, where I could go to Stitch & Bitch meetings, and have other soapers to talk to, or take cooking classes, or painting classes.  Like I'd have money for classes anyway!  lol  I can't even do half the crap I see on FoodNetwork or anything, because for one it's often too expensive, for another my guys are picky eaters and reluctant to try new things especially if they don't involve meats, and third a lot of the things they use are just not available around here.  Not sure, but I think it's pretty hard to find stuff like jicama, quinoa, Asian foods and sauces, squid  (not sure I really wanna try squid, but that's not the point right now), etc.  I just wanna DO things.  I wanna be interesting.  I wanna be an amazing cook, and I wanna be able to fix plumbing, and I wanna fly a plane, and I wanna have experiences.  But I feel like I need money, and a better car, and better resources available to me, and for Jessy to be more excited (or at ALL excited) about doing and trying new things, so I have somebody to go live with, and make stories and funny experiences.  Not that I wanna ditch Jessy and find somebody who wants to do things.  I don't mean that at all.  Him's ma baby.  I'd love to do all this stuff with him, so that we could be together and bond and what-not, but it's ok that he doesn't really wanna.  Especially since I can't really do them anyway.  I could always find a friend who wants to do stuff if and when I get money together.  Really need a stitch & bitch group.  Just not sure there are enough yarn crafters in the area to get one together!  I feel very alone sometimes, even though I know there must be other crafters out there, judging by how much yarn we sell.  Whatever.  I gotta get to bed. :)

Soaping

I've been going buts because I want to make my hand made soap again, but it's pretty expensive, and I don't want to end up buried in millions of bars of soap because I can't use it up fast enough.  I do that.  I have a drawer of nothing but hand knit socks completely separate from my regular sock drawer.  How many feet do I think I have?  lol  Anyway.  I let my soap cure for 2 months after I make it, so I promised myself that I wouldn't soap again until at least the last batch was fully cured.   So every 2 months I have personal permission.  I'm due again on June 20th, but I'm not sure if I'm gonna do it.  I need more supplies, and it's gonna cost 20-30 dollars after shipping and all, and that is money that I really should be spending on getting my credit card debt down.  (My car is paid off now, so the goal is to knock down the credit cards so I can move on with my life!)  I've been trying to satisfy my need to soap by watching youtube videos of other people doing it.  There's one lady who I really love watching, her name is Holly, she is a stay-at-home mom who soaps as a hobby.  She'd like to sell, but isn't sure she'd make enough profit to cover the expense of the insurance you need to have.  I am totally jealous of this woman.  She does not make any money herself, so her husband makes enough that they are comfortably raising their 3 children and she still has enough money to make soap at least once a week.  And she buys all the extra special stuff and dodads and contraptions and molds and oils, and she has a stock of colors and fragrances that she always has on hand.  She makes really cool soap, usually in loaf molds, which I really want to try, but do not have the mold for.  I've done 2 batches so far, one espresso chocolate and one tuberose moss.  I use silicone cupcake molds because I already had them and don't like them for baking anyway.  Plus it makes really nice individual soaps without me having to cut bars and all.  Holly has a blog and a youtube channel, and Anne Marie from Soap Queen even reads her blog, which pretty much means that she is a soap superstar.  She keeps talking about fellow soapers and the soaping community and other people in her area and online who she is great friends with and talks about soap all the time with.  I don't know anybody else who soaps.  Just he lady at the farmer's market, who inspired me to start soaping, but she has no idea who I am.  I want soaping friends and I want to be able to make soap whenever I want and just give it away and I want to be a soap guru and make beautiful stuff.